today I had a good cry. I realized that for years could net get in contact with my boundaries. It became clear after working in a ‘conscious community’ where everything is supposed to be an expression of love, I felt lost. I could not fit in. I wanted to and tried real hard.
I did not know how to deal with feelings like not being good enough, loneliness, insecurity, heartbreak, anger, apathy, shame, stress, disappointment, fragile, scared, or being overwhelmed. I covered it up with a spiritual smile and saying to myself that all is love, so I just have to deal with it. I cannot say ‘no’ to whatever event is coming up in my life. But inside I felt panic and powerless.
There was so much shame in exposing my true feelings, afraid of being judged like: ‘ you are just not aware enough’ or ‘you’r living from a lower standard of consciousness’ and that I just had to grin and bear all that was coming my way. Meditate it away or something. I tried real hard.
I could’t. I felt more and more alone. And all the spiritual advise got me confused. Needless to say my being felt like it was felt with holes. I felt a leaking inside (ah, that’s could be the leaking gut I). I had no ‘core’ no values. Everyone and everything could freely enter my being, my self worth, my body, my spirit.
‘I stood for nothing so I fell for everything’
‘No boundaries?’ my body said ‘okay than we can slowly fall apart’. This was a huge lesson for somebody who always teaches and preached to listen to your body. My body was obeying me, being true to the circumstances , but I could not listen, I just resisted.
Values slowly returned when I crawled back up into life again with my first baby-cry-need: ‘I need support’ I cried my eyes out when I uttered these words. So much shame, guilt and fear came up. I never dared to ask for support because: too afraid that there was none. Surprisingly: there was.
My needs became my safe place. Became my core strength, became my actions, became my values, my compass.
Slowly more needs came up! Choice, transparency, to matter (is that my ego?), simplicity, care (does anybody?), acceptance ,reassurance (ow really- that is SO dependent!), respect (how DARE I), belonging, to be seen and heard (ouch), to receive (I cannot!), tenderness (that is so weak!), stability (boring), peace and most of all emotional safety. (than you NVC for teaching me this new language). After the resistance came clarity.
Get out of the victim and perpetrator stories!
Sometimes I meet again with this scared little girl that lives somewhere inside of me. I rejected her but I now can look at her and love her. I can also look at how these new values has made in into a new me, a Lioness , protecting her children; my needs and boundaries.. When I feel my boundaries and have the ability to express them in a way that serves, I feel like a Queen (I am not always a Queen). I found out that they live parallel, like 2 parallel words, the Queen does not have to disappear in order for the little girl to be heard. They live side by side. And I can flip from one side to another without losing sight of both.
The victim is the perpetrator and the perpetrator is the victim, the seeming polarity that is in reality (without duality) a never ending circle. And until we come full circle we don’t have to judge ourselves for these roles anymore and see that is all an expression of an un-met need.