“I have body shame about certain parts of my body, I feel very insecure. If I talk about it with my partner I am afraid that he too-does not like these body parts. If I reveal the parts of my body that I feel shame around- it will add to my shame and I am afraid that he will constantly look at them.”A question from a participant of the School of Shakti’s Wild Woman training.
My beloved sister: you will certainly not get confirmation and reassurance from your partner to make you feel better about yourself. In fact: looking for validation for who you are and how you look, in the outside world is the problem to begin with.
We cannot get self love and self worth by first wanting it from some one else. If we stay dependent on what ‘others’ think of you and your appearance- this is a recepy for misery.
Inch by inch: In our Wild Woman training the homework is to love every part of your body that you feel shame around. For example: you feel shame about your breasts. Look at them and see what part you can love. For example your nipple looks beautiful but you are not happy with the size of your breasts or if they are symmetrical or something. Then love your nipples first. Part by part- every day you start loving every inch. It is a matter of re-programming. You feel shame about your vagina? Love your inner labia first or maybe the outer and work your way towards loving every part.
My body shame: After two times cesarean section- I too had to deal with body shame. My belly looked like a bubbly blob. Because I started to compare my belly to what it looked like before I had children. As if my belly was defining me! Looking at models in magazines, actresses in films did not make me feel any better about my body.
The belief behind body parts: The belief that your body is not good enough as it is feels like the truth, so it’s easy to find evidence. Our brains absorbs information that fits our current beliefs. If someone compliments you on your ‘shameful’ body parts, there’s a good chance your brain won’t automatically recognize the information, and certainly won’t take it in as valid. Unless you intentionally open up to the possibility that you’ve been wrong about your body not being good enough.
Heal: Fortunately with me, it did not become an obsession but I could feel empathically into the body dismorphia of women. And the pressure of looking like a model to be ‘accepted by society’. I cried about my scar a lot. Not because of how it looked (ike a smiley) but because of the beliefs I had around it. “ I am not woman enough to give birth naturally”. This belief got stuck in my belly. I could cry, mourn and feel the need to heal myself with empathy, compassion and softness. This led to gratefulness that I have children and I did not die during child labor. It was a unique part of my body that had a ‘story’. My choice was to color this story with rainbows instead of black and grey.
Send a message: So my dear: what message do you send to your body parts that you feel shame around? Let’s dive into this and feel the sensations and feel your mourning’s and longings. Let self- criticism be replaced by Self- Love and Self -Compassion. Let this Self Love radiate from your being and be a signal to other women who feel insecure because of comparison, programming, and false examples.
I learned to love the scars and shapes of my body. Step by step. By letting love in. And realizing that I am not only a body. What are you.. more than your body? Let’s investigate this first.
Stop hiding: During lovemaking the lights need to go off? Covering yourself up with extra clothing? If you keep yourself hidden, you keep yourself small. And you will never expose who you are in your most radiant form: loving yourself. This is the most precious gift to a man in the bedroom. Move further and further out of your comfort zone. Reprogram your brain into Self Love.
Your worse critic: Women can be so hard on themselves. Sometimes we’re unaware of what we’re doing to ourselves. Putting yourself down doesn’t serve you or anyone. It’s difficult to thrive or be happy when you’re enduring self-abuse.
Gratefulness: Hard to feel gratefulness to body parts you’re ashamed of? Unless you have been severely ill it is difficult to find the gratefulness of having a functional body and being healthy. Take a moment to think about what your body does for you, instead of what you wish it did for you. Practice ‘thank you’ for your body parts for all that it does.
Believe you can love your body as it is: You have a choice now. You don’t want to condemn yourself to misery for the rest of your life? Start believing in yourself, what you have to offer. Set yourself free from outer appearances and dive inwards to find your gifts.